i'm going with that, a leap of faith

my life has never been this full.

this recent shift in my jobs, where, already seemingly busy, i've taken on yet another role with my children is breathtakingly....full.

i wake up each morning and spend every waking hour with my children.

i give them every meal, i teach them to take care of what we have, i teach them to take care of their bodies, i teach them their school work, i teach them to treat each other with kindness, i teach them how to manage their time.....all day. everyday.

those of you who still send your children off and miss them while they are gone for 6 or 7 hours, 

you have a different can of worms, but this is mine.

it is lovely in it's way.

as lovely as a can of worms can be.

but it is truly all i can manage.

it's a struggle to do any "me things".

and it feels right to just stop struggling and let that go for now.

it seems completely off priority to think about making many friends.

i look at other ladies who fit in those things and its hard to imagine being there.

i have my jobs, i have my children, i have my husband, and i have my slowly becoming neglected friendships with my close friends and sisters and i can barely even do this.

 this chapter is temporary, i know.

which keeps me from panicking,

from worrying too much about all the things that surely i should be striving for.

it feels like faith

to keep leaning in to something that on paper doesn't seem to add up.

to just trust that my needs will be provided for.

even when i can't really imagine what that might look like.

to believe that i am seen, right here, in this unique place and provisions are being made for my life.

that i am special to someone.

 some of you may hear my words and see my place and remember what it was like back when, and sigh with nostalgia and a little understanding

some may be mystified

still, some have even told me that they could not do what i am doing

that they are not cut out for....

homeschooling, being a parent, picking up and moving far away

and to you i say, "neither am i"

i'm just doing it.

i'm leaning into something that doesn't seem to add up

i'm not cut out for this.

at times i am in awe of the beauty of this great, painfully beautiful responsibility.

and other times i just wish to hide. 

to get a break.

 to have my mommy come and take over my job so i can be a babygirl  just one more time.

but,

one thing i do know is that i"ll wake up a few hours from now and help my kids build a fort that they can listen to their audiobook of "the hobbit" in, and i will do some laundry, and i will wait for reedo to return from his business trip, and i will debate with myself whether or not it's worth it to apply eyeliner when no one but i really notice it, i will do some dishes, and i will pick up 52 things left on the ground or out of place, and maybe plant some flowers while the kids ride their bikes in the front yard.

and my day will fly by, and i'll wonder what i even did.

and i'll just have to trust that that little non-eventful saturday will be added to others like it as well as the hundreds of other days and weeks and years and that it will mean something to someone.

yep, i'm going with that.

10 on 10

8am

9am

10:30am

11am

1pm

2pm

4pm

6pm

7pm

9:48pm

a tiny list of gratefulness

tonight, as i reflect on my day, i am grateful.

it was a good day.

tuesdays usually are, since they are my day that i get a few hours to myself.

i feel a little embarrassed at how much i enjoy my own company.

is that just so obnoxious?

i mean, i'm never REALLY alone.

so maybe i justbfeel a little less scattered and able to really think and listen to the Lord in my heart when i'm on my own.

so anyway, as i drove around form chore to chore, first dropping my sewing machine to be serviced (they quoted me $169.00 for a full service!!??? is that normal?!) 

then to walmart for some grocery and birthday shopping 

i was just felt like there were some things to inventory that i need to be grateful for.

things that i now realize are not a "given"

 1. i am thankful for the opportunity to teach my kids to clean

 2. i am thankful for browned butter chocolate chip cookies

 3. i am thankful for how we are all growing together, painful or not.

 4. i am thankful for how they can be "little" together.

 5. i am thankful for ALL the time i am gettting with my children during the day.

 6. i am thankful for jake's leadership.

 7. i am thankful for swimsuit weather all year round.

 8. i am thankful that ella and i are getting some time, just us this month while the boys do a football clinic. so needed.

 9. i am thankful for ty's consistant good attitude. it is a gift to me.

 10. i am thankful that he is not too big for his daddy's old cabbage patch kid, rather he is thrilled to have it passed down.

 11. i am thankful for brazillian lemonade.

12. i am thankful for his brain. he is really smart. the detail he retains is almost scary.

 13. i am thankful for my own tiny little daffodils, right here in "paradise".

14. i am thankful for my husband. he is the only friend that i got to take with me into this new life, and i am grateful to not be alone.

unsearchable things

it's interesting to me to see how in love with certain places people can be.
maybe it's the tropics or their momma's kitchen table or the mountains or out on the ocean or anywhere...
but we all have what we'd call our happiest place.
and because many people have indicated that i now live in their happy place it makes me really think.
because i DO love God's beautiful ocean and the amazing surroundings that are now close enough for me to drive to in an afternoon.
but, i had that in california too.
and it makes me wonder if you, who live in oregon or illinois or texas or new york or montana or washington or everywhere, have that close enough to drive to in an afternoon, too.
i just wonder if what we really love is actually the place that we happen go to to recharge.
our vacation place.
our sabbath.
the place where we take a break from our everyday stress and worries.
because i have been living in the state of hawaii for four months now and i just this weekend really felt like i loved it for the first time.
and it was when we took a family sabbath to maui.
now, it's tempting to think that we should live there instead of where we DO live.
you see?
even for the girl who lives in paradise, there is still something to wish for....
but i realize that what is so great about maui or wherever you are wishing to be, is that it's vacation.
us reeds can be living right in the middle of what you may call paradise and not see it because of our jobs, our lives, or responsibilities.
we have to leave to get our rest.
it makes me wonder if that is a lesson to take with me from this adventure through paradise.
we won't be here forever.
this job assignment isn't permanent.
we may end up someplace that some may call ordinary.
but i just wonder if there will be places of sabbath all around just waiting to be enjoyed.
i wonder if you have them too....

o, well hello...

i took a month to collect myself.

moving is craaaaaaazy.

homeschooling is...challenging.

hawaii is...very different than i am used to.

but overall, this has been a good month.
the hard ones usually are.
good, not easy.
one of my favorite parts was this....

she came to celebrate our birthdays together.
it was a relief, ya know?
just to have your friend with you for a few days.

and reedo treated us to the James Taylor concert in honolulu

 it was very sweet.

my siblings and i grew up listening to him.

i knew the words to every song.

we sang along and called my other sister to listen together.

james taylor is 65 years old and he sounds just the same as he ever has.

he is such a romantic and i just love him.

my kids fall asleep to him singing to them "carolina in my mind" and "sweet baby james."

what a treat to see him in person.
it was familiar.
and that is just what i needed.

on my birthday we celebrated by hiking through beautiful trees and tropical loveliness to a little waterfall.

sweatiest day of my life.

but so great.

really.

a few things you may not know about my new home 

(i certainly didn't)

1. things take a little longer here.

not sure if it's the aloha spirit or the fact that it is an island 2500 miles away from anything else...but yep, you need patience here. 

what seems awesome and "kick back" on vacation is not as cool in real life :)

but i'm learning.

2. i do not need half of my clothing.

it is hot here. 

not burning hot. 

the weather forecast for as far as the eye can see is 81 degrees. and that is a sweaty 81 degrees.

all we ever want to wear is bathing suits, sundresses or shorts and tank tops.

all day.

til bedtime when it gets down to like 77 degrees. 

so my jeans and boots and sweaters and even long sleeved shirts? going bye bye until the next move.

3. the beach here is much more comfortable than the california beaches.

the water is so warm.

the air is so warm. 

less people are looking at each other and comparing.

there are tons of lagoon type beaches where mommies don't have to stress as much. 

the beach is definately growing on me.

the hawaiian beach, that is. 

i was never that much of a fan before.